blahblahbrittany.

I can’t sleep. I can’t stop thinking. What if he can’t pull through? What if he doesn’t make it? He doesn’t deserve this. Out of all the people in the world, why him? Why him? I’m so angry I could kill somebody.

I went through all of the photo albums in the house to find a specific one. When he went to college in Rhode Island, he called almost every day to talk to me. I called him Romeo, as I had just discovered Leonardo’s role, and he called me Juliet. I constantly said, “wherefore out thou, Romeo,” and finally one night, he replied, “I’m in Rhode Island, and I’m graduating. You will be with me soon.” We drove up there a few weeks later, and I had never been so excited to see him. There is a photo of us from that trip that I constantly think of. I’m wearing a leopard print fleece leather jacket, have a short brown bob, and he’s all decked out with a tan and bleach blonde hair. He’s leaned up against a giant fountain and I’m falling back into his arms as we smile at the camera. I remember that moment perfectly. I remember his graduation song word-for-word. I remember the raw cheeseburger I nearly ate at this run-down Mexican restaurant he took our family to because they had awesome food (aka margaritas). I remember how he spent nearly every second of that trip telling me about his life and the people in it in this magical world I knew nothing of.

But I never found this picture. How many pictures of he and I did I find?

8 of us alone. 13 of us with others. And quite a few family photos. Although he and I are attached at the hip in every photograph, this doesn’t do it justice. This doesn’t even begin to account for everything. He’s been my best friend since the day I was born. What if this is it? What if when this is all over, all I’m left with are these pictures and the things going on inside my head?

This is too hard. I want to be strong for him, I need to be. But I’m so fucking scared. I can’t turn my head off. I can’t stop crying. I’m a fucking basketcase. Today is a hard day for me. I’ve become an insomniac.

All of this in a matter of a day. He was fine when his hair started to fall out, we just got it cut. It wasn’t until his skin started to break out all over and he developed mouth sores that I began to fall apart. This is so fucking hard. I feel so weak, and though I’m trying to be strong for him, I feel like I’m failing.